he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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