i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
