My cat gives me a boner
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
