omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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