Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
