Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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