a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
