Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize