if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
