Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
