Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
