Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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