theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
