do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
