Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
