The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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