Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just invented taco cereal.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
