i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
