I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
