I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
