Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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