Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
