i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
