Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
