Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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