the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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