I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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