Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
