I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
