I heard we made out
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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