omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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