Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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