They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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