Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
