Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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