If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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