its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
worst night to have a conscience
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
the liver wants what the liver wants
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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