I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
