If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
