Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
