can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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