I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
