On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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