i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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