I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
