Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
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