My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
