I can tuck mytits in my pants
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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