I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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