checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
