There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
