my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
