I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
