dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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