What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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