If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
